A Natural Disaster in Prescott

It has been a year since my last post. It is hard for me to even think about writing about the details that led up to Cody's death so I am going to skip it and vent about what is going on today. My last post was almost exactly a year ago, when our beloved Monsoons returned. I remarked how even the Monsoons were bittersweet since Cody left this life. Well the recent happenings intensify the bitterness times a thousand.

We haven't had moisture in months. The last time we got more than sprinkles was as far back as early March, a lovely snow storm when we were lucky enough to have the chance to take our son and our dog out to play in the palpable beauty. Before you knew it the snow melted and the days were getting warmer. We never got our late spring snow storm like we usually expect around Easter. It was so warm, ensuring camping trips and days spent in the sun and water. About a month ago they announced a fire ban and I was more than happy to oblige because fire + 2 year old = anxious mommy. We knew it was super dry this year and all of a sudden the Doce fire was all anybody could talk about. Thousands of people came together and took care of it, leaving a huge chunk of our forest (high desert terrain) charred and black. But our people were safe and we all felt extremely lucky to receive the help we did.

Our hotshots travel all over the country during fire season. Last year they were gone all summer, one thing that Cody was nervous about before she died. You see, she had finally met the man of her dreams. A man who could take care of her in ways she had never imagined. A man that needed her to take care of him, too. That man was Garret. I was tremendously happy when I heard about their relationship. I wished Garret had been there in Cody's life all along. He was the opposite of every guy Cody had ever dated. He was a man. He was a rookie hotshot that year. He survived losing the love of his life and still went on to serve our country fighting fires.

He was even more brave than I could have ever imagined. We became friends and he would always check in on me when he was in town. There were many times when I left his phone calls unanswered because I don't like talking on the phone. It's funny that even when you think you are living your life the right way how you can still make enormous mistakes and find yourself filled with regret when it is too late.

Garret, I will think of you and Cody every day as long as I live. Your beautiful love story will never be forgotten, neither will your bravery. PEACE AND LOVE!~

A Tiny Force of Unstoppable Coolness Chapter 3

Up until high school Cody and I stuck with our jock/honor roll student friends. Freshman year brought on a whole new mess of boys to chase and parties to find. Hanging out at the skate park smoking cigarettes became much more fun than going to football games. Cody drove her parents big truck around with me in it, making stops at Taco Bell daily. We were so free those years, 15 and 16 years old, no serious boyfriends,  (but a whole lot of crushes) and friends of every kind imaginable. The boys we met at the skate park definitely became our favorite to chase. We would drive out to the woods to escape our tiny town, bouncing around like we had not a care in the world. Jerome was our favorite place to go. We seldom had money for more than gas but we didn't care. We'd walk all over the place and talk about how much better life would be once we grew up. Little did we know that that freedom that we were craving so badly would lead to our downfall and many years wasted in early adulthood. Little by little we began experimenting with drugs. Cody was always a step ahead of me, which reassured me that it was okay. I knew it was bad, I knew it would lead to trouble. But it was an escape and not to mention a whole lot of fun. Looking back at our choices, I wouldn't change a thing because it made me stronger in the long run. For Cody it was a different outcome. I had all of my first experiences with Cody by my side. First was weed of course, freshman year. By sophomore year we had a whole new group of friends, all of whom experimented too. That's when pills came into the picture which eventually led to speed, coke and for Cody, opiates. Alcohol was there too but Cody never really cared for drinking as much as I did. At this time both of our families were fighting with drugs and alcohol as well, but we swore we would never end up like them. When you are 17 its really hard to believe that you are shaping your future with the actions you take everyday. Our sophomore year was the first time Cody ever expressed to me that she had feelings of extreme depression and had thoughts of suicide. Which of course she assured me were just thoughts that she couldn't control but that she was in control of her actions. During that year she got really fed up with her surroundings and decided to move down to Tempe to live with her aunt. Her depression was only distracted for a bit by that move and it wasn't long until she moved back to Humboldt with me. My dad was in way deep with meth at this time, and I loathed seeing him everyday. After a big fight with him I chugged a bunch of vodka I had in a water bottle in my closet and ran away to Cody's house. It was easier for me to accept Cody's family's addictions than it was my own dad. Living with Cody was insanely fun. We would stay up all night, talking, drawing, writing, smoking, drinking.... It was a constant sleepover but I knew that I was digging my own grave. We lived together the whole summer before senior year, doing meth or whatever drug we could find daily. I knew that if I was going to have any sort of a future after high school I had to get out of my environment. I moved to Texas with my sister for the first semester of senior year, in hopes to get clean and start over. I missed my friends and my drugs more than I could have ever imagined. I flew home for homecoming, and smoked speed the entire weekend. When I returned to my sister and my nephew I knew I couldn't stay there any longer. I felt guilty for wanting to do drugs when I had my family there helping me. So I transferred back to Bradshaw and moved back in with my parents. The remainder of my senior year all I did was speed. We ditched every single day to get high. It killed Cody to see me so hooked and this was the beginning of the end for us. She began to pull away, said she hated seeing me like that. I didn't want anything else but to get high and stay in my room. She had a job and an apartment and a cell phone and I was literally a lump of skin and bones in my room. Cody moved to Washington to escape her family once again. I missed her so incredibly much and mourned the end of our innocence. Neither of us could stay away from AZ for long though and it was only a couple of months before she got homesick. At that point I was living with my mom but my dad was in rehab. Since we had little money I wasn't doing the meth as much anymore and Cody moved in with me. Those months she lived with me were so fun. We would party every night and drive around in my Geo Metro singing and smoking cigs. We were two peas in a pod again. But alas, nothing is permanent and she rekindled her relationship with her ex and little by little she became his instead of mine. They both loved pills and I preferred speed, I felt like the third wheel and decided to make new friends who partied like I did. We lost touch big time this time, only talking every six months. We would take turns flaking out on each other and I became extremely resentful towards my little Cody.

to me you'll always be 18 and beautiful Chapter 2

Middle school years were a blast for the 8th grade class of 2000. Cody was extremely popular back then, we were the cool kids but still made friends with all kinds of people. I will always look back on those years of pure innocent fun with love and a smile. However, this is where a conflict of interest arose between all of us. But I will get to that later, for now I want to think about running through the corn fields in early fall at Sean Lerette's house. The same corn fields we rode by everyday for years and years on the bus. There was a bus stop at each of our street corners (Azurite and Calumet) but every morning we would meet up before the bus picked us up. Just having those few extra minutes with Cody made walking 2 tiny blocks worth it. On the bus we would share a pop tart (Cody gave me the dry edges I loved while she ate the middle with all the filling and frosting). The ride to school was over an hour to school and at least a half hour after school. At the time I remember how boring it seemed everyday but I didn't realize I was making magical memories to enjoy for the rest of my life. We shared everything possible those years of our youth. Orange Pop Lipsmackers chapstick, bottled water, gel pens, Covergirl compacts and tweezers, math homework.... We had a pretty big group of friends so as soon as we arrived to school I had to share Cody with the rest of our friends. I continued searching for God these years, looking to the bible and youth group for my answers. I think Cody craved Jesus these years too but it was a little harder for her to stay as involved as I did. This is where she started to stray from the rest of us goody-goodies while we stayed involved in school and church groups. Cody had an older brother who had lots of friends, just like Cody. They were older though and that's where Cody began to witness alcohol and drug use. I was always a little jealous of how brave Cody was, to be around all of that so young. Again, she was always cooler than me. But I stuck with my church friends through these years, still very fearful of turning into my dad. During the 8th grade season of cheerleading Cody quit the squad she once loved so much. She was infatuated with an older boy, Chad, at the time. And honestly I feel like that summer before 8th grade is where she really outgrew the rest of us. She wanted to be grown up and sneak out of the house to be with a boy all night. I always had a gross feeling about this Chad guy, like he was really bad for her self-esteem. But he was best friends with Cody's brother, Tom, and I knew Tom would protect her. This guy Chad never had just one girl at a time, at least 2 or 3. It really broke my heart that Cody didn't think she deserved to be the only one. This is one of those times where I could have tried more to make Cody see how special she was. To this day I don't think I ever really expressed to her how much she shined to me. For years she was another part of me. A pretty, petite, smart-alec, intelligent, strong-willed side of me. All the things I wished I could be, but I was never jealous of her because I knew how hard she had faught to be who she was. I was just glad that she was forever mine.

Hold on to this lullaby, even when the music's gone.... Chapter 1

Cody Leigh Utz was born in the year 1985. I met her 8 years later in Humboldt, Arizona. I had just moved in with my dad after he had a stay in rehab at the VA in Prescott. I was enrolled at Humboldt Elementary and had never met such a pretty little blonde girl. I was instantly drawn to Cody, she was everything I wished I was. Pretty, long light blonde hair, athletic, popular AND smart. I was kind of a loner at first but since I could do the splits Cody thought I was really cool and our beautiful relationship started. Months after meeting her my family moved from Dewey into Cody's family's old trailer in Humboldt. She and her family moved into a slightly bigger trailer just a couple tiny blocks away. From the moment we lived so close to each other, we were inseperable. Everyone knew us as Cody and Jenny, Jenny and Cody. There is no doubt that we were as close as sisters. She had basically the same kind of childhood I did. Abandoned by a parent at a very young age, thrown into a poverty level atmosphere with drugs and alcohol at our every turn. Not any place I would want to raise my child but that is another post. We stuck together and tried our best to enjoy childhood dispite our situation. We rode bikes to Young's Farm, down to the creek, up to the school and the market where we'd buy ice water for 25 cents and share our hot cheetoes and candy. Baseball games at the elementary school were some of our favorite times, sunflower seeds, licorice straws and bubble gum. And don't forget the boys! Boys always flocked to Cody naturally. But I being the shy one had a little more difficulty in that area. We had lots of our first experiences side by side. In third grade the year we met we each had our first french kiss one after another with Adam and Tony but there's no way for me to be sure who kissed who. We were constantly switching boyfriends at that age. Through the rest of grade school and middle school we were both very good students, Cody's grades were always a little better than mine but that's just because she actually tried. She excelled in PE where I always wanted to sit out. I would go to her basketball games to watch but I always wished I had her confidence and ability. In cheerleading she outshined everyone, in my opinion and convinced me to join the squad our 8th grade year. During that season of the Steelers is when she started chasing after older boys while I could hardly keep a 7th grader for a boyfriend. At this point she was introduced fully into the drug culture of Humboldt and all the experience I had was all what I had seen in my parents bathroom. Drugs terrified me and I saw what a baffoon alcohol had made my dad into so I stayed away, although I was curious.