Post Halloween High

Yesterday I was grumpy and sad most of the day. I had this expectation all week that I would get my application for acchss finished but was sorely disappointed when I realized I do not have any of our social security cards!!! We searched high and low, Will literally tore the kitchen apart while a had an unproductive cry fest at the dinner table. I knew after about 50 tears that I had to let it go and enjoy my day off with the family. It was somewhat a productive day though because we cleaned the entire house which really was overdue. Even though I was trying to forget our setback I couldn't help but worrying about how the hell we are going to afford to have this baby. My whole day was saved by my amazing and patient husband who always manages to sneak some fun in when I am being Scrooge. We made it out the door as Spider-Man, a burglar and "mommy". Sawyer did do good trick or treating and it felt sooo good to be outside with my family, really made my whole day worth it. And among the millions of things my husband did for his family yesterday, he also managed to give himself a pretty fucking sweet thigh tattoo and made a batch of no bake THC cookies to take to work today. I really so have the most perfect, awesome hubby I could ask for. Our kids are going to end up being even more awesome than we are cause he never worries about what other people think, just about making the people he loves happy. 

El Paso August 2013

Even on his crankiest days

My son is amazing. 

Those little arms around my neck are the absolute sweetest thing in the world. The way that I am the one he wants to be with when he is sad is one of my favorite things about being a mom. I want him to know I will always be holding him when he cries for the rest of time🍦

To be, rather than to seem

I cannot believe what this month has been like. Love and loss and war. It's funny how you can be walking along, 27 years old and think you know it all and wham! Life throws you flat on your ass like never before! But baby we made it! And once mama can let go of some baggage all will be right in the world. Well not really but all will be right with my family! And seriously my life is so incredible I am so lucky to be living it. This whole time I thought I had it all figured out and was at good terms with my past but was I wrong! I was still worrying about it all the time, what could be more ignorant than WORRYING ABOUT THE PAST? So useless. The only day worth living is today! Today is the only day I can make things happen. Today is the only day I can hug my family tight and often as I can and make sure they know I love them and appreciate them! I really don't need to go backwards anymore and now that I am aware of my thoughts I don't have to ever again. 

The divine light in me recognizes the divine light in you. 

Time to give it up

For the better part of 20 years I have been blaming my problems and things I did wrong on having a rocky childhood. But that is a giant load of bullshit. For one it could have been wayyyyy worse and for 2 it's really time to take a little responsibility for my actions and state of mind when I am blaming others. It's pretty obvious that when I am on alcohol I turn into the victim and that is not right for the people who love me to have to deal with. I am not an alcoholic but I definitely misuse the booze from time to time. Time to put away my shot glass and walk through life with a clear sight of how I am acting and reacting.

Overwhelmed....

The reminders are everywhere, it's getting hard for me to remain positive. Never has an American flag at half mast affected me like this. I want to go back to winter when our town is free of tourists for the most part. When I can say "Prescott, everybody's hometown" with out a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. I've gone out to the lookout twice in the last week and the beauty of the setting sun is almost too painful to face, but for some reason I am still drawn out there. I think it's because the reminders are more subtle out in nature. I don't have to read the painful signs about 19 lost, I can just revel in the beauty that they all loved and died trying to protect.

This event is so public, almost a spectacle, I just need it all to be more private but what I need is not what is reality right now. Reality is we have to go through this every single day for the rest of time. Eventually the wounds will heal but for now they are just being reopened every time I read an article or click a link I know will break  my heart. I have to stop reading about it for now. I shouldn't even watch the memorial tomorrow but I have to, I can't NOT watch it. I can't not go to Garret's service although the last thing I want to do is go to another funeral. This is this hard for me, I can't even imagine what the families are going through.

I need to get past my personal challenges so that I can project as much love as I can out into the world from this day forward. My life has been changed by knowing Garret and I will remind myself of his mottoes every time I feel like giving up or not trying hard to be GREAT! I will be great and I will dedicate my life to those I have lost and those that I still live for!

Namaste.

A Natural Disaster in Prescott

It has been a year since my last post. It is hard for me to even think about writing about the details that led up to Cody's death so I am going to skip it and vent about what is going on today. My last post was almost exactly a year ago, when our beloved Monsoons returned. I remarked how even the Monsoons were bittersweet since Cody left this life. Well the recent happenings intensify the bitterness times a thousand.

We haven't had moisture in months. The last time we got more than sprinkles was as far back as early March, a lovely snow storm when we were lucky enough to have the chance to take our son and our dog out to play in the palpable beauty. Before you knew it the snow melted and the days were getting warmer. We never got our late spring snow storm like we usually expect around Easter. It was so warm, ensuring camping trips and days spent in the sun and water. About a month ago they announced a fire ban and I was more than happy to oblige because fire + 2 year old = anxious mommy. We knew it was super dry this year and all of a sudden the Doce fire was all anybody could talk about. Thousands of people came together and took care of it, leaving a huge chunk of our forest (high desert terrain) charred and black. But our people were safe and we all felt extremely lucky to receive the help we did.

Our hotshots travel all over the country during fire season. Last year they were gone all summer, one thing that Cody was nervous about before she died. You see, she had finally met the man of her dreams. A man who could take care of her in ways she had never imagined. A man that needed her to take care of him, too. That man was Garret. I was tremendously happy when I heard about their relationship. I wished Garret had been there in Cody's life all along. He was the opposite of every guy Cody had ever dated. He was a man. He was a rookie hotshot that year. He survived losing the love of his life and still went on to serve our country fighting fires.

He was even more brave than I could have ever imagined. We became friends and he would always check in on me when he was in town. There were many times when I left his phone calls unanswered because I don't like talking on the phone. It's funny that even when you think you are living your life the right way how you can still make enormous mistakes and find yourself filled with regret when it is too late.

Garret, I will think of you and Cody every day as long as I live. Your beautiful love story will never be forgotten, neither will your bravery. PEACE AND LOVE!~

In the Interest of Ann Azurite....

Since I am not emotionally ready to write the last chapter of the story of Cody and I, I am going to continue with an update on my life, currently.

Today is the first of hopefully many monsoons of the summer. This time of year is my absolute favorite because we still get to do all the fun summer things but the chances of over-heating are slim since we get these lovely, beautiful thunderstorms in the afternoons. Last year, my nephew Christopher was staying with us during the monsoons. He, Sawyer and I took a drive out to Jerome and I think that was the most water any of us had ever been through. The smell of our mountain air wet with monsoon rain is especially sweet, because we have to go through a couple months without any moisture whatsoever. I enjoy the smell as much as the lightning shows, so I am a very happy camper right now. Today though, I realized that every single thing I enjoy now has just a tinge of a bitter feeling with it, since Cody has left this life.

Sawyer is a huge ball of energy these days, he goes, goes and goes and goes nonstop. It is so amazing to watch him pick things up and begin to say words like "bite" "up" "mommy" "all done" and "highchair." LOVING EVERY CHALLENGING MINUTE. The tantrums have definitely begun and I'm hoping this 'phase' passes quickly. Everytime I complain about how rough and hyper he is I realize I wouldn't want him any other way, because obviously the universe has given me this beautiful, willfull child for a reason. An easy baby would probably lead me to being even lazier than I already am.

Which brings me to my biggest battle of all time. Me vs. My Mind. I'm really trying to stay as active as possible these days, hoping it will lead to more energy in the long run. Trying not to sweat the small things but still get my basic chores completed and getting Sawyer out of the house everyday. I am a home-body but it's not one of my favorite things about myself so I am training to get better at these simple things. When I say home-body, I really mean lazy person. My favorite thing to do is get in my underwear and get in bed with netflix and my kindle, which is fine. But its not something I can do all the time anymore, my focus has to be on the well-being of my family, not just my lazy bone.

Another thing I am working on is over-eating and emotional eating. I make my self sick from eating so much sometimes and I have got to stop. I have learned I can't deny myself things cause then I just end up binging later. This has been difficult since I discovered my corn intolerance 3 months ago. It has been a very bumpy road battling with food my whole life. I am hoping I am on the way to having a smoother ride, in my next 26 years. I guess I just have to keep up on planning meals and learning to cook and shop as well as reading up on my eating disorders. I would never tell anyone that I have an eating disorder, but I do struggle in this area everyday. I look forward to years ahead when I can look back and add this to my list of things I have overcome!

26 Life Time Goals

1] Practice yoga regularly.
2] Be completely corn-free.
3] Teach Sawyer how to read.
4] Adopt another dog and a kitty.
5] Take a spanish class.
6] Visit New York City.
7] Visit Europe.
8] Road trip up the West Coast.
9]Visit New Orleans.
10] Let go of guilt and fear, reverse negativity, stop the cycle.
11] Be an educated voter.
12] Be heavily tattooed.
13] Be a mostly stay at home mom.
14] Keep a blog.
15] Make each kid a scrapbook.
16] Pay off our debts.
17] Be a soccer mom.
18] Have a yearly girl's weekend getaway with my friends.
19] Spend Christmas in El Paso.
20] Volunteer my time for my kids' school.
21] Adopt a family for Christmas.
22] Let go of being self-conscious.
23] Go on a honeymoon.
24] Find a way to re-pay my sister.
25] Stay close with my best friends and make new ones too.
26] Plant a garden in our own yard <3

A Tiny Force of Unstoppable Coolness Chapter 3

Up until high school Cody and I stuck with our jock/honor roll student friends. Freshman year brought on a whole new mess of boys to chase and parties to find. Hanging out at the skate park smoking cigarettes became much more fun than going to football games. Cody drove her parents big truck around with me in it, making stops at Taco Bell daily. We were so free those years, 15 and 16 years old, no serious boyfriends,  (but a whole lot of crushes) and friends of every kind imaginable. The boys we met at the skate park definitely became our favorite to chase. We would drive out to the woods to escape our tiny town, bouncing around like we had not a care in the world. Jerome was our favorite place to go. We seldom had money for more than gas but we didn't care. We'd walk all over the place and talk about how much better life would be once we grew up. Little did we know that that freedom that we were craving so badly would lead to our downfall and many years wasted in early adulthood. Little by little we began experimenting with drugs. Cody was always a step ahead of me, which reassured me that it was okay. I knew it was bad, I knew it would lead to trouble. But it was an escape and not to mention a whole lot of fun. Looking back at our choices, I wouldn't change a thing because it made me stronger in the long run. For Cody it was a different outcome. I had all of my first experiences with Cody by my side. First was weed of course, freshman year. By sophomore year we had a whole new group of friends, all of whom experimented too. That's when pills came into the picture which eventually led to speed, coke and for Cody, opiates. Alcohol was there too but Cody never really cared for drinking as much as I did. At this time both of our families were fighting with drugs and alcohol as well, but we swore we would never end up like them. When you are 17 its really hard to believe that you are shaping your future with the actions you take everyday. Our sophomore year was the first time Cody ever expressed to me that she had feelings of extreme depression and had thoughts of suicide. Which of course she assured me were just thoughts that she couldn't control but that she was in control of her actions. During that year she got really fed up with her surroundings and decided to move down to Tempe to live with her aunt. Her depression was only distracted for a bit by that move and it wasn't long until she moved back to Humboldt with me. My dad was in way deep with meth at this time, and I loathed seeing him everyday. After a big fight with him I chugged a bunch of vodka I had in a water bottle in my closet and ran away to Cody's house. It was easier for me to accept Cody's family's addictions than it was my own dad. Living with Cody was insanely fun. We would stay up all night, talking, drawing, writing, smoking, drinking.... It was a constant sleepover but I knew that I was digging my own grave. We lived together the whole summer before senior year, doing meth or whatever drug we could find daily. I knew that if I was going to have any sort of a future after high school I had to get out of my environment. I moved to Texas with my sister for the first semester of senior year, in hopes to get clean and start over. I missed my friends and my drugs more than I could have ever imagined. I flew home for homecoming, and smoked speed the entire weekend. When I returned to my sister and my nephew I knew I couldn't stay there any longer. I felt guilty for wanting to do drugs when I had my family there helping me. So I transferred back to Bradshaw and moved back in with my parents. The remainder of my senior year all I did was speed. We ditched every single day to get high. It killed Cody to see me so hooked and this was the beginning of the end for us. She began to pull away, said she hated seeing me like that. I didn't want anything else but to get high and stay in my room. She had a job and an apartment and a cell phone and I was literally a lump of skin and bones in my room. Cody moved to Washington to escape her family once again. I missed her so incredibly much and mourned the end of our innocence. Neither of us could stay away from AZ for long though and it was only a couple of months before she got homesick. At that point I was living with my mom but my dad was in rehab. Since we had little money I wasn't doing the meth as much anymore and Cody moved in with me. Those months she lived with me were so fun. We would party every night and drive around in my Geo Metro singing and smoking cigs. We were two peas in a pod again. But alas, nothing is permanent and she rekindled her relationship with her ex and little by little she became his instead of mine. They both loved pills and I preferred speed, I felt like the third wheel and decided to make new friends who partied like I did. We lost touch big time this time, only talking every six months. We would take turns flaking out on each other and I became extremely resentful towards my little Cody.

to me you'll always be 18 and beautiful Chapter 2

Middle school years were a blast for the 8th grade class of 2000. Cody was extremely popular back then, we were the cool kids but still made friends with all kinds of people. I will always look back on those years of pure innocent fun with love and a smile. However, this is where a conflict of interest arose between all of us. But I will get to that later, for now I want to think about running through the corn fields in early fall at Sean Lerette's house. The same corn fields we rode by everyday for years and years on the bus. There was a bus stop at each of our street corners (Azurite and Calumet) but every morning we would meet up before the bus picked us up. Just having those few extra minutes with Cody made walking 2 tiny blocks worth it. On the bus we would share a pop tart (Cody gave me the dry edges I loved while she ate the middle with all the filling and frosting). The ride to school was over an hour to school and at least a half hour after school. At the time I remember how boring it seemed everyday but I didn't realize I was making magical memories to enjoy for the rest of my life. We shared everything possible those years of our youth. Orange Pop Lipsmackers chapstick, bottled water, gel pens, Covergirl compacts and tweezers, math homework.... We had a pretty big group of friends so as soon as we arrived to school I had to share Cody with the rest of our friends. I continued searching for God these years, looking to the bible and youth group for my answers. I think Cody craved Jesus these years too but it was a little harder for her to stay as involved as I did. This is where she started to stray from the rest of us goody-goodies while we stayed involved in school and church groups. Cody had an older brother who had lots of friends, just like Cody. They were older though and that's where Cody began to witness alcohol and drug use. I was always a little jealous of how brave Cody was, to be around all of that so young. Again, she was always cooler than me. But I stuck with my church friends through these years, still very fearful of turning into my dad. During the 8th grade season of cheerleading Cody quit the squad she once loved so much. She was infatuated with an older boy, Chad, at the time. And honestly I feel like that summer before 8th grade is where she really outgrew the rest of us. She wanted to be grown up and sneak out of the house to be with a boy all night. I always had a gross feeling about this Chad guy, like he was really bad for her self-esteem. But he was best friends with Cody's brother, Tom, and I knew Tom would protect her. This guy Chad never had just one girl at a time, at least 2 or 3. It really broke my heart that Cody didn't think she deserved to be the only one. This is one of those times where I could have tried more to make Cody see how special she was. To this day I don't think I ever really expressed to her how much she shined to me. For years she was another part of me. A pretty, petite, smart-alec, intelligent, strong-willed side of me. All the things I wished I could be, but I was never jealous of her because I knew how hard she had faught to be who she was. I was just glad that she was forever mine.

26 simple truths I had to learn the hard way

1. Nothing is forever. Cherish what you have everyday. Take chances. Forgive.
2. Food is fuel. What we put in is what we get back. Junk food = feeling junky. Whole food = feeling whole.
3. Friends are life lines. Hold on tight to them and don't be afraid to make new ones.
4. Being nice is tough, but the universe rewards kindness.
5. Take LOTS of pictures.
6. Let go of clutter. Mentally and physically. We have enough to worry about without tripping over things we don't need.
7. There is always room to grow, a way to heal, a bit of hope to cling to.
8. Breathing is the best anti-anxiety medicine there is. Pretty silly that we often forget to breathe!
9. It's okay to have flaws. Perfect is boring. We are always learning and changing, little by little.
10. Giving your time is the nicest thing you can do for others, and it feels pretty good too.
11. Drugs don't solve anything, they merely cover up symptoms and cause dependency.
12. Exercising isn't my enemy, keep it fun and relaxed. Don't go for skinny! Go for healthy and happy.
13. I believe in heaven and God and its okay if I don't believe the same way others do. We are all different, why should we be forced to think alike for religion's sake. I don't have to be ashamed that I am not a Christian any longer.
14. Putting off household chores just means you'll have to do twice as much work tomorrow.
15. Let yourself be sad if you are sad! Bad days are inevitable but nothing is forever.
16. Don't let bad yesterdays ruin a brand new today.
17. One drink brings out the angels, 10 brings out the devils!
18. Chocolate is all around good! And there are times when a binge is absolutely necessary!
19. I don't want to go to college! There I said it, I feel so much better now! Take that society...
20. Hydrate, Hydrate, Hydrate. So simple, yet I still struggle and forget to water myself.
21. Everyone has to grow up eventually. Except Ronny, he's cool.
22. Don't be afraid to try new things, goofing up is okay and that is how we learn!
23. EVERYBODY MAKES MISTAKES. humans....
24. Save up and indulge in an expensive treat once in a while. You deserve to shop in the non-clearance part of the store sometimes too!
25. Patience doesn't happen over night.
26. Never give up on yourself or talk down to yourself inside your head. Be mindful, watch your thoughts and stop them. You are in control but it is easy to get lost on "auto-pilot" Be kind to yourself first and the rest will fall into place.

Hold on to this lullaby, even when the music's gone.... Chapter 1

Cody Leigh Utz was born in the year 1985. I met her 8 years later in Humboldt, Arizona. I had just moved in with my dad after he had a stay in rehab at the VA in Prescott. I was enrolled at Humboldt Elementary and had never met such a pretty little blonde girl. I was instantly drawn to Cody, she was everything I wished I was. Pretty, long light blonde hair, athletic, popular AND smart. I was kind of a loner at first but since I could do the splits Cody thought I was really cool and our beautiful relationship started. Months after meeting her my family moved from Dewey into Cody's family's old trailer in Humboldt. She and her family moved into a slightly bigger trailer just a couple tiny blocks away. From the moment we lived so close to each other, we were inseperable. Everyone knew us as Cody and Jenny, Jenny and Cody. There is no doubt that we were as close as sisters. She had basically the same kind of childhood I did. Abandoned by a parent at a very young age, thrown into a poverty level atmosphere with drugs and alcohol at our every turn. Not any place I would want to raise my child but that is another post. We stuck together and tried our best to enjoy childhood dispite our situation. We rode bikes to Young's Farm, down to the creek, up to the school and the market where we'd buy ice water for 25 cents and share our hot cheetoes and candy. Baseball games at the elementary school were some of our favorite times, sunflower seeds, licorice straws and bubble gum. And don't forget the boys! Boys always flocked to Cody naturally. But I being the shy one had a little more difficulty in that area. We had lots of our first experiences side by side. In third grade the year we met we each had our first french kiss one after another with Adam and Tony but there's no way for me to be sure who kissed who. We were constantly switching boyfriends at that age. Through the rest of grade school and middle school we were both very good students, Cody's grades were always a little better than mine but that's just because she actually tried. She excelled in PE where I always wanted to sit out. I would go to her basketball games to watch but I always wished I had her confidence and ability. In cheerleading she outshined everyone, in my opinion and convinced me to join the squad our 8th grade year. During that season of the Steelers is when she started chasing after older boys while I could hardly keep a 7th grader for a boyfriend. At this point she was introduced fully into the drug culture of Humboldt and all the experience I had was all what I had seen in my parents bathroom. Drugs terrified me and I saw what a baffoon alcohol had made my dad into so I stayed away, although I was curious.

no more excuses....

So much going on here in the Cooper home this week:
Stockings were hung
No more pirate car
a fancy new toy
declutterization complete

NEXT WEEK WE DECORATE

and most importantly, our baby boy is 11 months old today!

November, November

FINALLY.
Lots of big dreams in sight for this gal.
all I can think about is sewing, shopping and getting a whole new music library.


a few short term goals:
sew more!
buy one NEW (meaning never before heard) album each week bonus points for new bands!

This Charming Little Man!

10 MONTHS BABY@!#*($ I cannot believe how big and smart you are getting! Each day, you make me laugh more and more and the pure sound of your laughter really is the best medicine I could ever imagine. With all the craziness in this world, your heart is pure and beautiful and the wonder in your eyes gets me through every tough day when I wonder if I have it in me.

I love you Sawyer Liam, more than words can describe.

farting around with felt

AND SOME OTHER THINGS I HAVE BEEN WORKING ON...

The top 3 pics are a bridal gift for my beautiful bride to be friend, Joy! Hope she enjoys her R & R basket :]
Bottom~ I was just needing some inspiration for sewing Sawyer's costume and this owl just came out!
easy rough draft :]

Very, very exciting to start working on my best friend Jessica's basket, it shall be my masterpiece! Bahahaha <3 I love her so very much and know how much stress a wedding can be so I will have to save it up all the way til right before she says I DO on May 26, 2012!!!! Can't wait! Lots of fun instore until then too....


To my friends on the coast, I hope the AZ sun shines deep inside of you, that way you will not be too chilly on your travels <3 happy trailss.....

GET IT ALL DONE

The last month has been a mental battle for me. The battle to GET IT ALL DONE. When my eyes open every morning, I check the clock and make sure its an appropriate hour to get going. If I get up before 6 I will be pooped by 10 am so I always try to get that extra hour of shut eye.
Change baby, make coffee, make baby breakfast, wash bottles, dishes, try to get things as tidy as possible, by then its snack time and soon will be time for a feeding and nap. During that morning nap of Sawyer's, I fight off the urge to lay down with him although I am usually ready! I gotta shower and sometimes if I miss my naptime opportunity I will be regretting it while I rush through a shower to get to my very angry baby as he does not appreciate the fact that I stick him in the crib to be safe while I remove the layer of stink from my body. Once I am clean I try to tidy up the upstairs (bathroom, trash, make bed) and what do you know its already lunch time! Sawyer has been such a messy eater lately that sometimes I bump bathtime up from after dinner to after lunch time, so by that the time nap time arrives he will be squeaky clean and comfy. The hour before afternoon nap time is probably the longest of the whole day, especially since Sawyer became this ball of energy and loves to play, be entertained and play some more. Once we make it to afternoon nap time I can get a few FUN ME-TIME things done, which is a daily goal for me. I guess the balance really is the toughest challenge. Balancing my mommy duties with my Jenny needs.

Now, four hours later I will try to pick up where I left off. Today during my "Jenny time" I mostly sorted through my clothes, elimiminating the really unflattering items as I feel like I have to try so so soooo much harder now to feel cute even 20% of the time. So "Jenny time" sometimes turns into laundry/cleaning time. Keeping the place at least livable is a struggle for me, but I strive for a clean house. I do some sort of chores everyday but somehow the place is still a trainwreck constantly. As long as the floors are clean and laundry and dishes are kept up that's about the best I can do. And I have to accept that. I could spend every spare minute of my time sweeping and dusting and putting the toys back in the box for the 400th time but instead I also have to find time for my creative outlets. Its really my duty to myself that I get at least a few minutes of fun everyday. What I really am striving for is a few hours a week ALL ALONE to work on my hobbies. But like everything else, being the me I want to be is a constant work in progress. Since I got lots of crafting done early this morning during some down time tonight I am enjoying a lovely fire that I prepared earlier this morning. Of course, I have to put my dining chairs up in front of it to keep the baby away, its still really nice to have a few minutes of quiet while the baby plays to type. I feel once I clear out some of my thoughts on my blog I have room for more fresh, inspired thinking. Just gives me some perspective once I see things out in black and white.Well, now its time for Sawyer time, and snuggling on the couch sounds like a great idea....

Fantastically Falling < 3

Our first chilly week since spring and I am more than welcoming that brisk feeling of fall. Especially when we just stocked up on firewood and my husband is outside chopping it all up for us. I have so many things on my plate right now, I just want to blog it all out so I can see everything in black and white instead of floating around in the space between my ears!

FINALLY BACK TO MY NORMAL SIZE, small!!! I really had forgotten that I am actually a small person so it feels super good to be wearing outfits I haven't been able to squeeze back into until now...  If I can do it, anyone can! Sure, it took me 9 months, but that's how long it took to put it on so it makes sense.

My hubby and I went on our first date since the baby last night! SHAME ON US FOR NOT DOING IT SOONER!  It was so fun and freeing! The air outside was so chilly but it was nice to warm up in a beautiful, new to us restaurant. It made me feel so young and pretty, to be able to get all dressed up just for William <3

Life doesn't always turn out the way you think it should.

My heart has been aching the last few days.

I reached out to my sisters pleading to fix our broken family and not one of them was willing to forgive one or more of the sisters. I was completely woken up to the fact that my family is never going to be the way I think it should be. I may be over-exaggerating a tad as I always do when I am hurt, but I feel as though I am mourning my eldest sister Margie, as it seems I no longer exist to her. Not even going to get into what was said between Becky and I, but I just felt the need to vent a little more so I can move on.