Post Halloween High

Yesterday I was grumpy and sad most of the day. I had this expectation all week that I would get my application for acchss finished but was sorely disappointed when I realized I do not have any of our social security cards!!! We searched high and low, Will literally tore the kitchen apart while a had an unproductive cry fest at the dinner table. I knew after about 50 tears that I had to let it go and enjoy my day off with the family. It was somewhat a productive day though because we cleaned the entire house which really was overdue. Even though I was trying to forget our setback I couldn't help but worrying about how the hell we are going to afford to have this baby. My whole day was saved by my amazing and patient husband who always manages to sneak some fun in when I am being Scrooge. We made it out the door as Spider-Man, a burglar and "mommy". Sawyer did do good trick or treating and it felt sooo good to be outside with my family, really made my whole day worth it. And among the millions of things my husband did for his family yesterday, he also managed to give himself a pretty fucking sweet thigh tattoo and made a batch of no bake THC cookies to take to work today. I really so have the most perfect, awesome hubby I could ask for. Our kids are going to end up being even more awesome than we are cause he never worries about what other people think, just about making the people he loves happy. 

El Paso August 2013

Even on his crankiest days

My son is amazing. 

Those little arms around my neck are the absolute sweetest thing in the world. The way that I am the one he wants to be with when he is sad is one of my favorite things about being a mom. I want him to know I will always be holding him when he cries for the rest of time🍦

To be, rather than to seem

I cannot believe what this month has been like. Love and loss and war. It's funny how you can be walking along, 27 years old and think you know it all and wham! Life throws you flat on your ass like never before! But baby we made it! And once mama can let go of some baggage all will be right in the world. Well not really but all will be right with my family! And seriously my life is so incredible I am so lucky to be living it. This whole time I thought I had it all figured out and was at good terms with my past but was I wrong! I was still worrying about it all the time, what could be more ignorant than WORRYING ABOUT THE PAST? So useless. The only day worth living is today! Today is the only day I can make things happen. Today is the only day I can hug my family tight and often as I can and make sure they know I love them and appreciate them! I really don't need to go backwards anymore and now that I am aware of my thoughts I don't have to ever again. 

The divine light in me recognizes the divine light in you. 

Time to give it up

For the better part of 20 years I have been blaming my problems and things I did wrong on having a rocky childhood. But that is a giant load of bullshit. For one it could have been wayyyyy worse and for 2 it's really time to take a little responsibility for my actions and state of mind when I am blaming others. It's pretty obvious that when I am on alcohol I turn into the victim and that is not right for the people who love me to have to deal with. I am not an alcoholic but I definitely misuse the booze from time to time. Time to put away my shot glass and walk through life with a clear sight of how I am acting and reacting.

Overwhelmed....

The reminders are everywhere, it's getting hard for me to remain positive. Never has an American flag at half mast affected me like this. I want to go back to winter when our town is free of tourists for the most part. When I can say "Prescott, everybody's hometown" with out a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. I've gone out to the lookout twice in the last week and the beauty of the setting sun is almost too painful to face, but for some reason I am still drawn out there. I think it's because the reminders are more subtle out in nature. I don't have to read the painful signs about 19 lost, I can just revel in the beauty that they all loved and died trying to protect.

This event is so public, almost a spectacle, I just need it all to be more private but what I need is not what is reality right now. Reality is we have to go through this every single day for the rest of time. Eventually the wounds will heal but for now they are just being reopened every time I read an article or click a link I know will break  my heart. I have to stop reading about it for now. I shouldn't even watch the memorial tomorrow but I have to, I can't NOT watch it. I can't not go to Garret's service although the last thing I want to do is go to another funeral. This is this hard for me, I can't even imagine what the families are going through.

I need to get past my personal challenges so that I can project as much love as I can out into the world from this day forward. My life has been changed by knowing Garret and I will remind myself of his mottoes every time I feel like giving up or not trying hard to be GREAT! I will be great and I will dedicate my life to those I have lost and those that I still live for!

Namaste.

A Natural Disaster in Prescott

It has been a year since my last post. It is hard for me to even think about writing about the details that led up to Cody's death so I am going to skip it and vent about what is going on today. My last post was almost exactly a year ago, when our beloved Monsoons returned. I remarked how even the Monsoons were bittersweet since Cody left this life. Well the recent happenings intensify the bitterness times a thousand.

We haven't had moisture in months. The last time we got more than sprinkles was as far back as early March, a lovely snow storm when we were lucky enough to have the chance to take our son and our dog out to play in the palpable beauty. Before you knew it the snow melted and the days were getting warmer. We never got our late spring snow storm like we usually expect around Easter. It was so warm, ensuring camping trips and days spent in the sun and water. About a month ago they announced a fire ban and I was more than happy to oblige because fire + 2 year old = anxious mommy. We knew it was super dry this year and all of a sudden the Doce fire was all anybody could talk about. Thousands of people came together and took care of it, leaving a huge chunk of our forest (high desert terrain) charred and black. But our people were safe and we all felt extremely lucky to receive the help we did.

Our hotshots travel all over the country during fire season. Last year they were gone all summer, one thing that Cody was nervous about before she died. You see, she had finally met the man of her dreams. A man who could take care of her in ways she had never imagined. A man that needed her to take care of him, too. That man was Garret. I was tremendously happy when I heard about their relationship. I wished Garret had been there in Cody's life all along. He was the opposite of every guy Cody had ever dated. He was a man. He was a rookie hotshot that year. He survived losing the love of his life and still went on to serve our country fighting fires.

He was even more brave than I could have ever imagined. We became friends and he would always check in on me when he was in town. There were many times when I left his phone calls unanswered because I don't like talking on the phone. It's funny that even when you think you are living your life the right way how you can still make enormous mistakes and find yourself filled with regret when it is too late.

Garret, I will think of you and Cody every day as long as I live. Your beautiful love story will never be forgotten, neither will your bravery. PEACE AND LOVE!~