to me you'll always be 18 and beautiful Chapter 2

Middle school years were a blast for the 8th grade class of 2000. Cody was extremely popular back then, we were the cool kids but still made friends with all kinds of people. I will always look back on those years of pure innocent fun with love and a smile. However, this is where a conflict of interest arose between all of us. But I will get to that later, for now I want to think about running through the corn fields in early fall at Sean Lerette's house. The same corn fields we rode by everyday for years and years on the bus. There was a bus stop at each of our street corners (Azurite and Calumet) but every morning we would meet up before the bus picked us up. Just having those few extra minutes with Cody made walking 2 tiny blocks worth it. On the bus we would share a pop tart (Cody gave me the dry edges I loved while she ate the middle with all the filling and frosting). The ride to school was over an hour to school and at least a half hour after school. At the time I remember how boring it seemed everyday but I didn't realize I was making magical memories to enjoy for the rest of my life. We shared everything possible those years of our youth. Orange Pop Lipsmackers chapstick, bottled water, gel pens, Covergirl compacts and tweezers, math homework.... We had a pretty big group of friends so as soon as we arrived to school I had to share Cody with the rest of our friends. I continued searching for God these years, looking to the bible and youth group for my answers. I think Cody craved Jesus these years too but it was a little harder for her to stay as involved as I did. This is where she started to stray from the rest of us goody-goodies while we stayed involved in school and church groups. Cody had an older brother who had lots of friends, just like Cody. They were older though and that's where Cody began to witness alcohol and drug use. I was always a little jealous of how brave Cody was, to be around all of that so young. Again, she was always cooler than me. But I stuck with my church friends through these years, still very fearful of turning into my dad. During the 8th grade season of cheerleading Cody quit the squad she once loved so much. She was infatuated with an older boy, Chad, at the time. And honestly I feel like that summer before 8th grade is where she really outgrew the rest of us. She wanted to be grown up and sneak out of the house to be with a boy all night. I always had a gross feeling about this Chad guy, like he was really bad for her self-esteem. But he was best friends with Cody's brother, Tom, and I knew Tom would protect her. This guy Chad never had just one girl at a time, at least 2 or 3. It really broke my heart that Cody didn't think she deserved to be the only one. This is one of those times where I could have tried more to make Cody see how special she was. To this day I don't think I ever really expressed to her how much she shined to me. For years she was another part of me. A pretty, petite, smart-alec, intelligent, strong-willed side of me. All the things I wished I could be, but I was never jealous of her because I knew how hard she had faught to be who she was. I was just glad that she was forever mine.

26 simple truths I had to learn the hard way

1. Nothing is forever. Cherish what you have everyday. Take chances. Forgive.
2. Food is fuel. What we put in is what we get back. Junk food = feeling junky. Whole food = feeling whole.
3. Friends are life lines. Hold on tight to them and don't be afraid to make new ones.
4. Being nice is tough, but the universe rewards kindness.
5. Take LOTS of pictures.
6. Let go of clutter. Mentally and physically. We have enough to worry about without tripping over things we don't need.
7. There is always room to grow, a way to heal, a bit of hope to cling to.
8. Breathing is the best anti-anxiety medicine there is. Pretty silly that we often forget to breathe!
9. It's okay to have flaws. Perfect is boring. We are always learning and changing, little by little.
10. Giving your time is the nicest thing you can do for others, and it feels pretty good too.
11. Drugs don't solve anything, they merely cover up symptoms and cause dependency.
12. Exercising isn't my enemy, keep it fun and relaxed. Don't go for skinny! Go for healthy and happy.
13. I believe in heaven and God and its okay if I don't believe the same way others do. We are all different, why should we be forced to think alike for religion's sake. I don't have to be ashamed that I am not a Christian any longer.
14. Putting off household chores just means you'll have to do twice as much work tomorrow.
15. Let yourself be sad if you are sad! Bad days are inevitable but nothing is forever.
16. Don't let bad yesterdays ruin a brand new today.
17. One drink brings out the angels, 10 brings out the devils!
18. Chocolate is all around good! And there are times when a binge is absolutely necessary!
19. I don't want to go to college! There I said it, I feel so much better now! Take that society...
20. Hydrate, Hydrate, Hydrate. So simple, yet I still struggle and forget to water myself.
21. Everyone has to grow up eventually. Except Ronny, he's cool.
22. Don't be afraid to try new things, goofing up is okay and that is how we learn!
23. EVERYBODY MAKES MISTAKES. humans....
24. Save up and indulge in an expensive treat once in a while. You deserve to shop in the non-clearance part of the store sometimes too!
25. Patience doesn't happen over night.
26. Never give up on yourself or talk down to yourself inside your head. Be mindful, watch your thoughts and stop them. You are in control but it is easy to get lost on "auto-pilot" Be kind to yourself first and the rest will fall into place.

Hold on to this lullaby, even when the music's gone.... Chapter 1

Cody Leigh Utz was born in the year 1985. I met her 8 years later in Humboldt, Arizona. I had just moved in with my dad after he had a stay in rehab at the VA in Prescott. I was enrolled at Humboldt Elementary and had never met such a pretty little blonde girl. I was instantly drawn to Cody, she was everything I wished I was. Pretty, long light blonde hair, athletic, popular AND smart. I was kind of a loner at first but since I could do the splits Cody thought I was really cool and our beautiful relationship started. Months after meeting her my family moved from Dewey into Cody's family's old trailer in Humboldt. She and her family moved into a slightly bigger trailer just a couple tiny blocks away. From the moment we lived so close to each other, we were inseperable. Everyone knew us as Cody and Jenny, Jenny and Cody. There is no doubt that we were as close as sisters. She had basically the same kind of childhood I did. Abandoned by a parent at a very young age, thrown into a poverty level atmosphere with drugs and alcohol at our every turn. Not any place I would want to raise my child but that is another post. We stuck together and tried our best to enjoy childhood dispite our situation. We rode bikes to Young's Farm, down to the creek, up to the school and the market where we'd buy ice water for 25 cents and share our hot cheetoes and candy. Baseball games at the elementary school were some of our favorite times, sunflower seeds, licorice straws and bubble gum. And don't forget the boys! Boys always flocked to Cody naturally. But I being the shy one had a little more difficulty in that area. We had lots of our first experiences side by side. In third grade the year we met we each had our first french kiss one after another with Adam and Tony but there's no way for me to be sure who kissed who. We were constantly switching boyfriends at that age. Through the rest of grade school and middle school we were both very good students, Cody's grades were always a little better than mine but that's just because she actually tried. She excelled in PE where I always wanted to sit out. I would go to her basketball games to watch but I always wished I had her confidence and ability. In cheerleading she outshined everyone, in my opinion and convinced me to join the squad our 8th grade year. During that season of the Steelers is when she started chasing after older boys while I could hardly keep a 7th grader for a boyfriend. At this point she was introduced fully into the drug culture of Humboldt and all the experience I had was all what I had seen in my parents bathroom. Drugs terrified me and I saw what a baffoon alcohol had made my dad into so I stayed away, although I was curious.